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I wonder when my life’s going to stop being one huge rollercoaster.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail saying that I didn’t pay my tuition at OCC and they were going to send collectors after me, or something. My mom and I hassled to the phone and got the info we needed from my loan provider (Sallie Mae) and filled out some stuff online. Things will work themselves out after the forms are processed, but still it’s annoying as hell.

I had some problems with my car Sunday, too. Coming back from New Paltz dropping Rachel off I had some “issues” with the control on my steering wheel turning my lights on and off – they wouldn’t turn on. Nor would my console lights. I had brake lights and hibeams though. And I got pulled over. It was fixed Monday afternoon, but at a $40 cost. Rachel’s dad installed the part for me and filled out the paperwork, and I mailed it out. Woo, no charges there.

At least to make up for all of this I sold my DDR 3rd and 4th marquees for a total of $400. Now the only issue is finding something to ship them in. I figured I needed the cash, I don’t do much with them (aside from hanging on my wall) and I know someone else out there would have a better use for them than me. This collector took them off my hands; he gets some rare legit marquees and I get money in my Paypal account. I really can’t complain about that. I doubt the money will get transferred in by Friday, though.

Going to see Rachel again this weekend. ohh i am excited.

The weekend went by too fast for me, except last night.

Wednesday night Rachel came home for the weekend. We hit up the mall first thing, came back to my house and watched Lost, then went back to hers for a bit and hung out. Thursday night we went out with Steve, running some errands and ate at Applebee’s. Good food, good times. Friday Rachel had her road test and passed with flying colors ;D Saturday and Sunday I worked all day both days and we just hung out at night; she took my car those days to run errands of her own.

Sunday night was the killer for me. I had to drive to New Paltz and back consecutively; being in a car for 7.5 hours isn’t exactly the most fun, especially when on the way back your headlights and tailights don’t work. My hi-beams, brake lights, and blinkers worked. But it still got me pulled over. Thankfully I got it all fixed today and I just have to send the paperwork in so I don’t get fined. It was just… annoying.

Valentine’s day has hit and here I am without any money to spend, in a shitty mood (I’ve been this way since Rach left after XMas vacation) and I’m just not particularly happy with myself still. I just want to be happy again… for some reason something is stopping me.

I suppose the real reason behind my lack of happiness is worry.

I’m worried about my job. Ken, the only guy there I can trust, tells me there will be some changes in the coming weeks with management. Last time that happened, I lost all my house in seafood except for 4. I don’t want that to happen in meat, too. I’m losing enough as it is. I have to fight for more hours nearly every week.

Because of a lack of hours, I’m worried about never having money. Today is payday for me, and I only have $15 left of it thanks to paying car insurance. Thankfully I haven’t been driving much so I still have gas to get me through the week. I bought my camera last week so that killed my account. The week before I drove Rachel back to college and I bought her tons of stuff she needed. It goes back further, but this is just an example.

Because of never having money, I’m worried about never going out, spending time with friends. Which are few and far between nowadays. The ones I do have I hardly see, and when I do it’s like I don’t even belong. All those times at Denny’s with Jess and Steph I didn’t feel as “part of the gang,” more like some random dude that just shows up and sits at the table. Back in highschool, I had a social life. Sure, it was just being at the arcade playing DDR and having LAN parties, but at least it was something.

Because of not having many friends, I’m worried about spending most of my spare time online. Sure, I’m fucking popular on the internet. Who gives a shit? You know, hardly anyone online asks me about my life, it’s always about some damn website. Does anyone realize that a CAT5 cable doesn’t get jacked directly into my head? But for those who do talk to me about non-internet stuff (you know who you are) I thank you.

Because of all these problems, I’m worried that my relationship with Rachel is taking a nosedive. She’s always got stuff going on. Always hs friends around. Always so ambitious. And here I am, feeling as though I’m failing at life. It’s depressing. I feel unworthy. And I feel like shit every time I bring something like this up because it’s like I need reassurance. And I shouldn’t need that.

I’m trying to improve myself, really. Who knows what’ll happen. I work out daily now, doing 200 crunches. I need to get my DDR pad back from Rachel’s house so I can start playing again. Maybe that’ll help me feel better. I have my camera. I love photography. I should go take more pictures. I have so many videogames. I want to beat them. I just never have the ambition to.

I’d like to think this is just a “phase” and I can say “it’ll pass” but I seriously think it’s more than that.